Episode 18: How to get a clown off a swing

What has gone before: Andrew Weazle, the owner of a coffee shop trades the Friday night deposit in return for 'magic coffee beans', which cause a massive ash tree to grow overnight inside the shop. Following this miraculous weekend, Andrew leaves work in the company of a fatally attractive woman. When he does not return for several days, Lara and Blackout seek to find out what has happened to him. A dark presence attacks Lara as she attempts to enter Andrew's apartment, wounding her badly. Blackout takes Lara to the Fates, servants of the Tree, who heal her with the Tree's life-giving magic. The Fates reveal that Lara's attacker was a succubus, a demon that steals the human life force through sexual contact...

"I was in the middle of an incredible session of WOW," Riptide said. "And you call me over here to go through the gaming books?"

"If you'd just give me a key to the place, I wouldn't have to do this," Blackout said. "It was your comment that got me thinking about it."

Riptide was turning on the lights in Force Five Comics while rubbing his arms and stamping his feet to get warm. "What comment?" he asked.

"The one about the succubus," Blackout said. "I want to include one in our campaign."

"Sort of spoils the surprise for me, don't you think?"

"Not if you're the one who summons her."

Riptide raised his eyebrows. "You're allowing me to summon my own personal sex demon?"

"You make it sound dirty."

"It is dirty," Riptide said. "Courtney will hate it. I'm definitely in." He went over to the shelves containing the rulebooks. "What sort of succubus do we want?"

"What are my options?" Blackout asked.

"Well, the new rulebooks sanitized everything in response to the born again fundies back in the 80's, so if you want something really nasty, I've got to go back to stuff like Arduin Grimoire or the original Monster Manual."

"That sounds about right."

Riptide considered Blackout for a moment. "This isn't like you," he said finally. "You never include sex as a major component of the game."

"Not true," Blackout retorted. "There was that time when Corinne was still playing, before she went to New Zealand..."

"Where she interrogated that pirate 'below decks'..."

"That's right."

"Yeah, but that was only because you had the hots for her," Riptide said, returning his attention to the bookshelf. "And you got a little hot under the collar when she suggested giving the pirate a blow job as a way to knock him out without resorting to violence--" Riptide stopped and turned back to Blackout. "This is about that new coffee girl, isn't it?"

Blackout thought about this for a moment, then replied, "Yeah, I guess in a way it is. If you must know."

"Hey, whatever floats your boat," Riptide said, pulling a book off the shelf. "She's too short and a little too well padded for my taste."

"Just find me the information," Blackout said.

"Blackout wants his succubi," Riptide said, launching into an impromptu song: "Suuuuck---yoooooo---bi!" He stopped and looked amused. "Hey--that would make a helluva sign in on one of those sex chats!"

* * * * *

"A holy weapon?" Lara said, a frown wrinkling her features. "I was expecting something involving chalk and a pentagram."

"Well, we could go that route," Blackout said. "The trouble is, the caster has to effectively replace the succubus while chanting the incantation, which means..."

Lara's eyes widened. "I understand what it means Mark," she said, cutting Blackout off. "So tell me more about the holy weapon."

"Any blessed piece of iron can be used," Blackout said.

"And what sort of blessing do we need?" Lara asked. "Like a priest, or a rabbi?"

"It doesn't matter who blesses it, so long as there's faith behind the blessing and the person who wields it."

"Seems a little too easy," Lara replied.

"Well, we could always climb a volcanic mountain to get the piece of iron," Blackout said sarcastically.

The sun was starting to come up. Lara was still bundled in a blanket Blackout had retrieved from his car's winter emergency kit, sipping fresh coffee she'd brewed for the two of them. The Fates were playing a game of Dutch Blitz, which Hatima was currently winning.

"Any piece of metal, eh?" Lara mused. "It's like the joke about the clown off of a swing."

"I don't think I know that one," Blackout admitted.

Lara gave a smile that showed her teeth. And reached her eyes. Blackout would have laughed at the worst knock-knock joke in that moment.

"How do you get a clown off a swing?" Lara asked.

Blackout grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

"With a shovel," Lara replied.

"Got one of those in the basement," Terry called from across the room.